I had a startling realization last night.
My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I have dreamed of having my own kids. I think this stems from being adopted, from never having my own birth story, from not having had a mom who could talk about her gestational period with me inside her, and from not having parents with whom I shared a biological connection. Some little girls dreamed of their weddings, but not me. I just wanted to be pregnant and have a couple kids of my own. I had a plan that if I weren't married by 35, I'd get a wedding cake, eat the whole thing, find a smart/attractive guy, tell him I was on the pill, and get myself knocked up. That or a sperm bank. Not that I didn't want a partner with whom to share this crazy ride, but if he hadn't made himself available I was going to do this with or without him. I'm dead serious.
Last night, as I nursed Nico in bed around 1am, I realized that this dream is now complete.
That realization was somewhat shocking. It made me happy, but it also made me a bit sad. This is what I have wanted my whole life, and now I have it. How lucky am I? But also, that experience of growing life inside me and having it emerge as a person is behind me. I am not sure there is anything else I have ever wanted for so long or so badly, and now it's complete and I'm not sure how to process that...
I better get that IUD put in right away b/c you can see where this is leading...
Lemon Blueberry Bread
5 hours ago
The births of my 4 children are moments I cherish most in my life. It is THE most miraculous thing ever! It took me the whole pregnancy with #4 to process and prepare that I was going to be done with her. I had to morn the fact that that phase in my life is over. Kind of sad, and made me feel old too. I just have an IUD, so nothing totally permanant....but I feel I'm done. I just couldn't do the tubes tied thing because 1) live changes and you can NEVER predict what path it may take and 2) I've seen too many people struggle with infertility to purposefully discard the special gift I've been given. Anyway, enough of my soap box.....I know how you feel. Kind of weird to have such a major life goal fulfilled.
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