When I had Alexandra, folks used to say the rudest things to me. Statements like, "Are you sure that's your baby?" and "She looks NOTHING like you!" and "Maybe they gave you the wrong kid at the hospital!"--all sorts of crummy things that break a mom's heart.
Of course, I'm not blind. I know Alexandra looks nothing like me; she is a carbon copy of Adam, his mom, and her grandmother (strangely, she doesn't look like her namesake, Osa, but like Osa's mom). I comforted myself with saying that she was Adam on the outside but me on the inside, but the older she's gotten the more I have realized that the inside of these little people is nothing but uniquely them. They might have picked up some of our qualities or neuroses along the way, but they are--from birth--simply themselves.
When I had Nico I had hope that he'd look--at least a little bit--like me, and he does. Thank freakin' god. Nico is a blend of Adam and I, but he has my eyes, and the eyes are what folks notice first. Alexandra has Adam's almond eyes; Nico has my round eyes. I get comments all the time on how much he looks like me, and, honestly, they thrill me. They resonate in my core. They make me happy.
And having Nico, having a kid that resembles me, has made me like myself more. Not that I have low self-esteem or anything, but I have never been one to like my looks. Since my teen years I have taken refuge in the fact that I have a solid and likable personality--I'm funny, kind, and have a good soul, but I'd never describe myself as physically attractive. I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was a little girl and thinking I was pretty, but somewhere in adolescence I lost that feeling. I also remember the guy I lost my virginity to telling me (in a disgustingly cliche line), "I think you're beautiful, not on the outside, but on the inside" and thinking, in my head, "F**k the inside, I know I'm pretty there! Tell me I'm pretty on the outside!" I didn't even realize how "meh" I thought my looks were until I had Nico.
But when I look at Nico, I see myself as a little girl and I remember that feeling of being pretty again. In some twisted way, he has bolstered my feeling of self-worth in terms of my looks. When I look at Nico, and I see myself, I see beauty. My baby has boosted by ego in a way that continuously surprises me. One more perk of motherhood noted.
