Memorial Day

Memorial Day, in my world, usually consists of being outside and celebrating the beginning of summer with friends. I don't have a history of military folks in my family, and while I am thankful for those in the military past and present, the holiday doesn't resonate for me in that sense.

But Memorial Day gained new meaning two years ago when right after Memorial Day weekend, on May 31st, my close friend and even closer neighbor died unexpectedly of a heart attack. He was 34, healthy, vegetarian, and more full of life than most people I know. He left behind my dear friend Kat, who was suddenly a 32 year old widow and then found out she was pregnant. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 9 months later and became a single mom--something she had never anticipated.

Two years later, grief is a very different thing. While I think of Eric daily, I can't deny that we have moved on in many ways at this point. It's just inevitable. Life doesn't freeze...ever...it has a momentum that pulls you along for the ride, whether you like the new circumstances or not.

Nothing has illustrated that more for me than having a baby. Alexandra was born almost a month after Eric died and our lives were changed by her forever. While we were in the throes of palpable grief, a joy we had never experienced came into our lives and that joy grows daily as Alexandra becomes more and more her own person. We had our daughter amid a community of good friends who also had kids all around the same time, and watching these tiny babies grow into little people gives you a whole new respect for life, time, and love. I wish Eric could have experienced that first-hand.

I guess this rambling post was meant to illustrate what I have learned from Eric's passing, two years after the fact. But I can't separate what I learned from his loss from what I learned as I became a parent--the two things have somehow become strangely intertwined. What I do know, though, is that life is precious but finite. And as much as that terrifies me, I feel it helps me be a better mother, partner, and friend.

(Photo of flowers above was the last email Eric sent me. He had bought a fancy camera on Memorial Day weekend out in Long Island and was experimenting with it. The photo is of our flower box. It not only reminds me of Eric, but it also illustrates that I once had a green thumb before having a baby. Now my plants (and cat) hardly ever get watered.)

(Coverage on the PS 6 Eric Dutt Ecocenter!)

Orgasmic Birth

On Mother's Day I had a stoop sale. Selling tons of crap you've decided to purge from your apartment might not be some women's idea of a great time, but I was so anxious to get the stuff out of our space, the day was beautiful, and the whole experience was surprisingly fun. I loved chatting up the neighborhood folks, meeting new people, and I had several great friends who just stopped by to keep me company (in addition to my sweet baby girl and hubby). It was my recession stoop sale--everything's $1--and I made $180! Woot! Pretty much the exact amount I spent on maternity clothes last week.

But my favorite customer was the woman who rode up on her bike and as she perused my books started asking when I was due, was this my first or second baby, etc. When I told her this was my second, she forewarned me that she had her second on her kitchen floor b/c she had no idea she was so close to giving birth, but when she reached down and felt the baby's head crowning she knew it was too late to get to the hospital. Husband delivered baby on kitchen floor.

This woman and I had the EXACT same first labor: all back labor, agonizing pain, retained placenta, etc. Since her second labor was regular labor (not back labor) she had no idea she was so close to giving birth when it happened b/c the pain was so much less intense. Hence the unexpected home birth.

But then came the climax (pun intended) of her story when she looked me in the eye and said, "And when the baby came out, I had the biggest and most earth-shattering orgasm of my life." My jaw dropped. My friends, Bethany and Maddy, were silent. She went on to explain that she tells this to all the pregnant women she meets b/c she wants them to know it CAN happen. But, as amazing as it sounds, she also admitted with a smirk that nothing has quite compared since.

I have heard a bit about orgasmic birth, and I always pictured it being some crazy hippie woman in a tub in her bedroom with incense burning and chanting music in the background with candlelight and maybe a small bit of marijuana involved (or other drugs). To know that this plain, normal Park Slope mom had an orgasmic birth in her kitchen, even while terrified that she was birthing in her kitchen, well....it makes it seem more normal or possible or real...

I'll keep y'all posted if, come September, I join the ranks of orgasmic birth women b/c my first birth experience was about 180 degrees from orgasmic, that's for sure.

Here's to hoping!

Double your Mother's Day

This weekend I was able to spend a day with my biological half-sister and her dad.

For those of you who don't know, I was adopted when I was an infant. My bio mom was that unfortunate (for her, not me) health class story of "All it takes is one time!" and got pregnant with me the first time she had sex during the fall of her senior year with a guy she was somewhat seeing. 40 weeks later, a couple of months before she was to start her freshman year of college, I arrived. I was given up for adoption and adopted by the mom and dad you often hear of in this blog.

When I was 30 years old, I finally mustered the courage to look for her. I just always had this intuitive feeling that we were alike. As an adult, I was finally ready to take the risk and to try to find her. I was scared of initial rejection (in closed case adoptions the birth parent has the power to keep the records closed), scared she would find me unacceptable if she met me, and just plain scared of the myriad variables that go into this process.

But what happened was extraordinary. She is amazing. We are so much alike it's uncanny and we look a great deal alike, too, which, for someone who was adopted and has never had the experience of resembling a family member...that's pretty astounding. She came to visit us last June, then her and my 15 year old half-sister came for a week this past March, and this weekend I was able to hang out with my half-sister for a day with her dad, bio mom's ex-husband.

Bio mom and I are very cautious around each other, still. I do see her more as an older friend, an aunt, etc, than as a mom-figure. Periodically I am struck by the fact that I'm even sitting in the same room with her--Oh my god! That woman carried me in her womb and gave birth to me! Oh my god!--but for the most part we jokingly or awkwardly refer to our biological connection. Finding a parent when you're past 30 makes that "parenting" role almost impossible...it's hard to explain, but those years lost are when you really cultivate your relationship (good, bad, or both) with your parents. Nothing has been more clear to me after finding bio mom that my mom who raised me is my Mom with a capital "M" and bio mom is...well...bio mom. She's my friend, and we have a pretty curious back story.

But having her ex-husband here was an interesting angle. He kept exclaiming how much I looked like bio mom and her sister, how much I was "my mother's daughter," how much I was a carbon copy of her...it was like everything that I did or said was an echo-ing of her. And, while I was taken aback by these statements, they made me really happy. Because I have felt this, and bio mom and I have acknowledged this, but to have him say these comments with such conviction...well, it made them even more true.

I feel really lucky this mother's day. I have two great moms in my life--the one who raised me and the one who just joined me in this journey--both come with baggage and issues and love and they're totally worth it.

People are annoying

Just got a random call from Colorado from a school out there. Seems a co-worker of mine from a couple years ago is applying to teach at different school and wants a reference from me. But, did this old co-worker call me and ask me if that's okay? No.

This happened last year, too, right about this time. Another old co-worker used me as a reference but didn't ask me. Then I get this email asking me to answer about 10 questions about her as a teacher. I had not spoken to her in a year...maybe more? Same with co-worker number one.

I mean, seriously guys. WTF? You are giving teachers the unprofessional stigma we keep trying to shake. How do you NOT contact those on your reference sheet, especially when you haven't even said "Boo" to them on Facebook in over a year for God's sake, and then put them down as a reference?!?!

I know I seem like a bitch, but I'm not calling this principal in Colorado back until I hear from ex-co-worker number one that he would like me to be a reference for him. Is that too much to ask? Shoot, I don't even remember the things he did at our school. He was there for one year, I didn't work with him that much, and since then we've had a whole new crop of teachers that have replaced those memories, making my reference for him a true act of bullshit that I have to prepare for....

Ugh. People are annoying.

Baby Boy

Yesterday we had our 20 week ultrasound--the big anatomy scan that takes hours. All was "beautiful" and "perfect" as our excellent sonographer Dr. Margano reported (I swear, I love that man almost enough to have another kid just so I can go see him some more). But, for reasons I can't explain, I was thrown by that little fella inside me.

I guess I expected to see Alexandra in there...I know, that is totally ridiculous as Alexandra is now a 22 month old ball of fire and life and runs (not walks) around our apartment, creating complex fantasy worlds with her dishtowels, lions, koala, and the squirrels in the yard. But when I saw this little guy's face, I was kinda like, "Wait! Who....are.....you?!"

Then I realized that he is a WHOLE NEW PERSON inside me. Not only different b/c he has a penis, but a totally separate being from Alexandra...he'll look different, act differently, and be himself--not her. We will have a separate and new and wonderful baby boy in September to add to our family, not just another mini-male version of Alexandra.

Wow. I know that seems like a ridiculous thing to realize half-way through this pregnancy, but it honestly just hit me.