Overheard in the Classroom

I hear the craziest stuff teaching, so I'm going to start a regular post called Overheard in the Classroom.

Last week (the last week of the semester):

Student: Miss, I have had so many testes today!

Me: Oh honey, I really hope you haven't. . .Do you know what testes are? The plural of testicles! You had many TESTS today.

Class erupts screaming "Balls!!!!" And various other combinations, cracking up. The girl, a good girl, is embarrassed.

This is my profession.

Lack of Sex Education

So, my horrid 9th graders are growing on me slowly. But the one thing about 9th graders that's different from 11th & 12th graders is their curiosity and blatant obsession with sex. For example, last week while teaching a lesson on closing arguments for the play "Twelve Angry Men" that we just read, a girl raised her hand. Keep in mind that I have seen more of this young woman's breasts in the past two weeks than I have of my own mother's in my whole life--she is well endowed and wears low cut shirts quite often. But that's another issue.

So, hand raised, "Miss, I have a question!" Me, thinking she's got a question on closing arguments b/c *duh* that's what the lesson is about, was thrown when she posed this one to me:

"Okay, so, like, when you're having an orgasm, do you pee all over the place?"

After regaining my composure I told her that I could not answer her question during class time, but if she was seriously that confused she should come talk to me after class. She was relentless, "Miss--just tell me!" I told her to ask her health teacher, and she replied that they don't get health until TWELFTH GRADE! She begged me to just tell her "yes" or "no," and giving in I said, "No--and now back to rhetorical devices to use in your closing argument."

But that little awkward interlude got me thinking. Then today the same girl and a handful of her friends came to my room during their lunch period to do some make-up work. ALL they talked about was sex, which girls gave head in the stairwell, who puts out in the 9th grade, and then they told me they were all virgins and that was okay, wasn't it? YES, I said, followed by a conversation on the long term ramifications of having sex when you're young and horny and immature and--no offense,ladies--stupid.

Wowza. And we wonder why we keep getting pregnant 9th graders (I have one now). Nobody is talking to these girls about sex and it's just plain terrifying. If I get fired from the DOE one day, it'll be because I talked to girls about sex. Mark my words. Somebody's got to...

Let's Turn this B*tch into a 3 Bedroom!

The title of this blog post is a direct quote from my husband to me, said at about midnight one night this week when I brought of rearranging our one bedroom apartment. He looked at me, said, "Let's turn this b*tch into a 3 bedroom!" and promptly rolled over and fell asleep within 10 seconds. This is how most of our conversations at bedtime roll. Me = thinking non-stop and tossing out answers to real and imaginary problems. Adam = sure, whatever babe, zzzzzzz....

So I was pleasantly surprised when he agreed to this project for our weekend. We thought it would be a minor shifting of furniture, but it took 10 hours of Sunday off and on. We had to disassemble our bed, the crib, unscrew the bookshelf from the wall and empty it 2/3 of the way to shimmy it 4 feet, move a rocking chair, etc. A seemingly small project turned into a day long event, but it worked.

We now have officially given Nico his own sleep space. We lost our work space, but it was in our bedroom and he now goes to sleep at around 8-9pm so we weren't using it anyway. He slept in his crib last night (out of our bed) for the first time. I kinda missed him and realized I don't know how to sleep without a baby in the bed after four months...His crib and the rocker occupy a space that's about 4 feet wide but it's his. We are separated from him by a massive bookshelf. Alexandra still has her own room for now until Nico can sleep through the night without fail.

I have to brag that we are pretty good at living in small spaces. This is the third manifestation that this 800 square foot apartment has seen since we moved in in July, and each works in its own way. Pretty good to know that we can do it, since I think that when we finally make a move to buy something in 3 years from now, it'll most likely be a 1 bedroom!

Maybe we can fund our future apartment by starting a consulting business on how to shift your 1 bedroom into a 2-3 bedroom. Any business name suggestions?

Penis Envy

Alexandra won't stop talking about penises. I thought this was a phase that started after baby brother came home, but this "phase" as been going on now for MONTHS and it's starting to get a little embarrassing. Here are a few soundbites from a past few days:

"The bus has a penis!" (screamed repeatedly as I pushed her home in the stroller)
"Daddy, I can't eat your penis?" (mortifying)
"Boys have penis, girls have poo-cat!!!!" (all the time)
"Nico has a penis; it's small." (keen skills of observation)
"Daddy has a penis; it's big." (oh my...)
"I can touch your penis?" (the answer is always no followed by private part conversation)
"I have a penis?" (no darling, you don't)
"Look, I no have a penis!" (said, on the bus, as she pulled her pants and panties down)

And there are a million more examples that I can't think of at 11pm at night.

PLEASE tell me that others have experienced this and I don't have some pervert for a daughter. We try not to react to her statements, but I swear, if some people hear this they will call the Department of Child Services on us for sure. Especially when she yells, as Adam's putting her in time out or trying to get her dressed amid a tantrum,

"Daddy, your penis is hurting me!"

Oy vey.

Questioning

Teaching 9th grade is quite a different kettle of fish than teaching 11th and 12th grade (what I have been doing the last 9 years). I like to think that I am a good teacher, a natural if you will. I love teaching, I love my students, and even when the sh*t hits the fan I can usually come out smiling or joking or drinking a beer to the absurdity results from the free public education of the masses. But man, these 9th graders are really pushing me.

Granted, the kids have had a permanent sub for 3+ months, they have had to transition back to me, and not to mention that they're 9th graders and therefore ridiculously immature, horny, compulsive, and pretty much have no impulse control over their mouths or bodies. Yeah, it's THAT bad. Now try teaching them for 90 minutes. It's literally like herding cats.

Now, I could find this all just a challenge if it weren't for the fact that I literally have to race out of the building and back home after school, nurse Nico, grab the stroller, pick up Alexandra by 4:30 from daycare, then haul them back home, make dinner, clean up, pack her lunch, nurse Nico again, and start a bath before Adam gets home at 7pm. Please be reminded that Alexandra is 2 1/2 and in full on challenging mode complied with some sibling jealousy that causes her to go buck wild as soon as I pick up Nico or put him on the tit.

So Monday night after work (and work, actually) just sucked. Alexandra was AWFUL and my temper with her was short. After she went to sleep, I felt guilty that I hadn't been more compassionate with her. She is, after all, only two. She is doing what a twos year old does, but the trouble is that my 9th graders are ALSO doing what two year old do therefore when I get home to my daughter I'm just sick of two year old sh*t. You know?

And for the first time in my 10 years of teaching, I questioned as to if this is a profession I should be in while I have small kids. I am not sure I have it in me to give my patience out all day long and have enough for my kids when I get home. I NEVER want to be one of those parents who brings their beef with work home with them...Today was better and I had a great day both at work and at home, but I feel shaken by my questioning.

soon

I returned to work this week. Ugh. I will be back blogging soon, promise. Have lots to say, just no energy/time in which to say it.