melancholy

i am feeling blue.

i was cleaning tonight, and i came across our nanny's clipboard that documented all that alexandra ate, slept, and poo-ed for the past 10 months. friday was nicole's last day as alexandra's nanny. we decided to put alexandra into daycare for several reasons. one, because we truly cannot afford to keep the nanny situation. two, because i will hopefully be home next spring writing my dissertation, and, as this summer bore testament to, i cannot get work done when i know my sweet baby is around. three, alexandra loves other kids and we thought the socialization would be good for her.

we felt the financial tightness last january and put her on a waitlist for the daycare on our street. it has a great reputation and it's literally one block from our door. we found out in may that we'd have a spot for september. last week we did transition (which was really hard for both her and me) and on tuesday she starts full-time daycare.

but i'm sad. i already miss nicole. she's so happy, so determined in her life, so loving to our daughter, so easy to talk to about life, love, etc...i feel like she was truly a part of our family and our friend. there's just that small part about paying her that complicates that idea of friendship...

a few years ago, i took my students to see a play called "living out" about a Hispanic woman who was nanny-ing for a family that was a clone of us (NPR in the morning, liberal White folks, etc.) and how no matter how "close" you feel with your "hired help", that there are seas of difference that separate you. i think we were all cognizant of this, but we still found common ground. maybe i am delusional in my soft socialism, but as much as nicole was in our employ, i feel we all still liked each other and respected each other as people.

and now she's just gone. i hope we will keep in touch, and i know i will try, but i'm sad. it's like i broke up with a friend i didn't want to break up with. i want her to ring our bell on tuesday, have baby girl smile and rush for the door to let her in, and leave alexandra with a woman i happily considered her second mom. i'm scared about daycare--will they love her and praise her as unique in a room full of other kids? ugh...i'm just so weighed down by all this.