Exhaling from May

I hate May.

I think my aversion to May started when my dad died on May 22nd, 1996. Then there's my cheating college boyfriend's birthday in late May, which was a bittersweet reminder for years after our tumultuous breakup (for me,not for him). Mother's Day was also always bittersweet as for 30 years I wondered, on Mother's Day, where my biological mom was and if she was thinking of me. Then there's May of 2006 when I started bleeding the day I turned 12 weeks of our first pregnancy and realized (although in total denial at the same time) that the baby was dead. Several of my close friends have also lost parents in May, and each time this parental loss occurs it punctuates the loss of my father. And then there was the year Eric died (see prior post)...A couple days before I was literally at work lamenting my hatred for May to a coworker who had lost her mom in May, saying, "Thank god May's almost over--this year nothing has happened." Then Eric died May 31st. Goddammit. I felt like I had jinxed it. Effin' May.

T. S. Eliot may say that April is the cruelest month, but I beg to differ. For me, it's May.

You can imagine my surprise this year when May slipped by soundlessly. I usually suffer a few crying breakdowns in May, but when I looked at the calendar this weekend I was surprised to see that it was Eric's anniversary, and minus thinking of him a lot, I had successfully made it through the month.

But what really shocked me is that this was the first year I have not greatly felt the loss of my dad in May. Don't get me wrong, I feel the loss constantly, especially as I am about to have a son. But it didn't resonate with me in May this year--May 22nd came and went, and I literally forgot it. Then I felt somewhat guilty, then I realized that it's just life moving me forward.

And while I'm still feeling a sense of relief that it's June 1st, I have to admit that May was pretty okay this year. (I'm only saying this out loud b/c it's over...)