febrile virus

So Nico has a virus. A febrile virus, characterized by a high fever. 103 yesterday. 102 today. Yesterday, he had a little febrile seizure. I was holding him and putting him down for a nap after having picked him up at daycare early b/c of said fever. I had just motrin-ed him b/c we couldn't get into the doctor until 3:30, and as I was putting him in the crib he started shaking a little and his long legs went straight and he started looking from right to left like he'd suddenly been transported to another planet and had no idea what the eff just happened--it was scary.

Well, it was scary after I realized what it was. While he was doing it I was more like, "Dude! I"m right here! Whatcha lookin' at?" Until I realized later that that'd been a fever-induced seizure. Then I stared at him on the video monitor all last night, afraid something bad would happen. Repeat that vigilance today. And right now, at midnight, video monitor next to me on the couch as entire family sleeps but me.

All day he's been kinda weird and crazy, the way we all feel with a high fever. The last time I had a fever like this was in February of 2008. Alexandra was 8 months old. I had a fever so high I couldn't walk myself to the doctor; Adam had to take me. They just told me it was a virus and gave me some mask to wear while breastfeeding. I laid in bed delirious while our nanny kept Alexandra out of our germ-y apartment all day. The worst part was Kat, my downstairs neighbor, had just had her son Luca, and our floors were so thin they might as well have not existed. Luca kept crying that tiny but powerful newborn wail, and each time he'd cry I'd lactate, but I was too feverish to get up and pump, so then I got clogged ducts in both breasts. Awesome.

But I digress.....

When one of the kids gets sick like this I go into panic mode. There's that horrible part of me that's just waiting for them to evaporate out of our lives like little clouds of steam. They both seem so fragile, still, and so dependent on us. And when there's something like this--a virus--and you can't do anything except wait it out I'm in agony. I don't sleep well, I have dreams of the kids dying. I recall every horror story I have heard of someone losing a child. Suddenly, our entire family seems so delicate...I mean, I guess it's delicate all the time, but at times like this I realize it.

I'm even afraid to post this. But if I post it, it's like Murphy's Law, right, and then nothing bad can happen?

Am I the only mother out there who goes bonkers like this?

THIS, world, is why all our mothers are nuts.