Take Two

I think I didn't post as much in January because I was harbouring a secret from the world. If you know me, you know secrets are not my forte. If you have a REAL secret, I can keep it. But other than that, I just can't. I love sharing information; I think a lot of us benefit from each others' stories, experiences, sorrows, joys...I don't share with the world at large (blog, facebook), but I'll tell a few friends who I feel will really connect with whatever you said. And they do (connect, that is). At least I have good judgment in that respect.

So, when I peed on the stick on day 34 of my cycle and it unexpectedly produced a positive, after I ran to Adam in the shower sobbing (for various reasons), I just wanted to tell my close girlfriends b/c I knew they could talk me off the ledge--and they did. By the end of the day, I was feeling much more grounded, after a day of space-y teaching in which many times my students had to ask, "Miss, are you okay?"and I mumbled that I was fine, that the baby was just up half the night (which she was) and I was tired (which I was). Not lies, but not the real truth, either.

With my circle of friends in the know, I then somewhat guarded the information. After our miscarriage in May 06, I have been more reserved about to whom I reveal pregnancy information. You can't even believe the stupid shit people said to me after we miscarried--things like, "Well, now you won't have a baby with two heads!" or "It probably would have been retarded" and the list goes on. They had good intentions, I believe, but I wanted to punch them...or hand them a card that said: THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY TO A WOMAN WHO JUST MISCARRIED.

And I kinda thought that after having had a successful pregnancy, and after getting pregnant on total accident, that I'd be able to float through this pregnancy worry-free. Nope. There is something about miscarrying that continues to haunt me. And even though I didn't want to be pregnant now, the last thing I want now is not to be pregnant. I have had nightmares--the whole works.

But we had our ultrasound yesterday where we saw our tiny dancer doing a jig on the screen, little limbs flailing around, alien head bopping, placenta, cord, heartbeat = check. I am 9 weeks along, and now the chance of miscarriage is down to less than 5%, so I figured I could take a gamble and post.

We have NO plans for more than two kids (and are currently investigating better birth control options!), so I'm really trying to embrace/enjoy this as much as possible.

Feels good to get that information out into the world. Now I can start blogging about what I'm really thinking about...

(ps: Sorry for the pee-stained pregnancy test photo. I kept that test on my desk for WEEKS trying to convince myself I was really pregnant, and by the time I took a photo of it, it was, well, aged!)