Apocalypse Now

Last Monday was an evening of note. Besides the fact that I exercised for the first time since the school year began, we had a CRAZY hail storm. It had been lightening throughout my 45 minute spin class and when I came outside the ground was wet, so I figured the storm had passed. But then, out of nowhere (just like the Brooklyn tornado of 2010 a month ago) it was torrentially raining, thundering like death was upon us, and quarter-sized hail started pouring out of the sky.

Adam and I went to the front window to get a better view of the circumstances against the streetlights and it was pure madness. It looked like a river was running down our street and I worried that it would overflow the curb height and seep into our ground floor apt. The ground was pure white with hail. The rain was sideways. Right as we questioned as to if it was tornado #2 and if we should grab the kids and get into the cellar, Alexandra stumbled into the room, woken by the booming thunder. She quickly became fascinated with the hail and Adam opened the window and grabbed her a few pieces. She cross-referenced the hail storm the next morning in her Eyewitness book on weather. Smart girl.

But the hail storm brought me back to my childhood and the time we had a crazy hail storm in Sterling, Virginia and my religious mother thought it was the beginning of the apocalypse. She was on our mustard yellow phone that matched our kitchen appliances, staring out into the backyard with her free arm waving in the air praising Christ and speaking in tongues, praying with a fellow born-again Christian over the phone lines. Christ didn't appear on a cloud that day to whisk them off to heaven and the end of ages did not start, but the hail storm (it was golfball-sized hail and quite impressive) did dent the aluminum siding on all the houses in our suburban subdivision and everyone got vinyl siding after that. Our house went from green to yellow.

I hadn't thought of that hail storm of my childhood and my mother's constant insistence that the Christ was coming back *NOW* lately. Since I lost my religion around the age of 18 most conversations regarding the apocalypse revolve around how I'm going to endure the seven years of trial and tribulation since I no longer believe in Christ as my personal Lord and savior. My last conversation with my mom on this topic was when I was home several years ago and she told me the combination to the garage and where she stashes her mad money and jewelry. She also mentioned that Jim (my step-dad's) grandfather clock was worth a few thousand dollars in case I had to barter with Satan for my life at any point. She was not kidding.

My mom still lives in that state of constant waiting; she fully believes that Christ will come back and she hopes that it will be in her lifetime. I, on the other hand, just enjoy a good display of extreme weather. But, in case the next hail storm is accompanied by a surprise disappearance of all Christian peoples from the planet Earth, someone give me a ring. I have a stash of cash and diamonds awaiting us in NC, along with a badass grandfather clock that I'm sure Satan has his eye on.